I'm sending a voice message, fuck this typing shit.
I don't know. Me. I guess I changed but that sounds corny as hell. [He groans, but pushes through, not finding this easy.]
We both know I'm a fucking asshole, and back then I wasn't your speed, Casey. We both know I used to be way worse than I am now, and I had that stupid thing for weak girls who I could play the fantasy of protecting even though I'm less of a white night and more of a bastard. [His voice is harsh, especially hissing the word bastard because it's probably as close to the best word he can come up with for himself. This is probably the most real James has been about his behavior, about himself....in decades, probably.]
And all the better that they weren't usually interested in me. [Sadness creeps in, the realizationg having hit long before now that he's never really connected emotionally or romantically with anyone, and it wasn't because he was only into the chase. Maybe they just realized that it wasn't smart to go down that road, or saw him for what he was and knew better, either way...]
But chasing that shit, playing that game isn't fun. [He sounds tired.] You've always been here, and somehow no matter what I put people through, what I put you through you're still here for some reason. And you've seen the weakest shittiest parts of me and I can trust you with that and somewhere along the line of all these dumbass stops in the multi-verse I realized that's a whole hell of a lot more important and it means more than I've ever been willing to see. And not only that, but I like that I can trust you, that I can rely on you even if I know I can't anyone else. You're not afraid of me, even if you're always real and call me on my bullshit, but you also think I'm not a complete lost cause for some reason too even when most everyone else from home probably disagrees. You're literally the only one. I know I started feeling that way even before getting here, realizing it...whatever.
Guess that's why I haven't turned anybody but a shoplifter into a turtle lately. You wanted me to behave.[It's a throwaway, quiet comment before he stops recording his voice, not sure what else to say. And regretting it a little bit.]
[ There's a long delay before this message comes through, because Casey has to take a minute to let herself cry. Partially, it's upset that he's waited until now when she's finally let herself start to get over him, partially because she's frustrated and feels torn, and partially because James does not let himself be vulnerable around people. She's known him for her entire life and she's seen him upset exactly once, back in Creepy Tree Town. Since then, nothing, and now suddenly she can hear it in his voice and that tears into her.
When she finally does speak, her voice is tight because she's still not completely together again but making him wait too long is bound to create anxiety on his end. Just because he's hurt her in the past doesn't mean she wants to hurt him in the present. ]
People back home thought you were a lost cause because that's what you wanted them to think back then, James. Not because you actually are one.
[ She sighs. What the hell is she supposed to say? ]
Please do not take this the wrong way, but just because I want you to behave doesn't mean I want you to not be you, you know. Just...like dial it down. And... [ Another sigh and a rustling sound as she runs her hand through her hair. ] I could trust you with my life, James. I know that I could. After everything, though, and all this time, I just...I don't know if I can trust you with my heart.
[There's a harsh edge to his voice witht hat statement; he's always given people the roll they've expected from his father's son, even if he's always made himself more than crystal clear that he's not exactly like deal 'ol shitty dad.
Still, he lets it drop rather than continuing on, even though he could. That's not what this conversation it actually about, after all.
And the answer he gets hurts - permission to be himself aside, the fact that Casey doesn't innately know better. Know different.]
Why? And I'm seirous - I never led you on when I wasn't ready for anything between us, I couldn't see it, and maybe I handled it too James-y for you because I wasn't nice, but I've never been just nice. I pushed that back, but I never led you on, you're literally the only person that will get this level of honesty with me other than my mom. I've never led anyone on when it comes to my feelings when I care about someone. Think about it - how many relationships have you seen me in, Casey - have I ever broken anybody's heart? None and no. Pushed you away for what seemed like the better, because I wasn't ready and couldn't see it - yeah.
[The open feelings don't come naturally to him and he's struggling there's a bit of a crash in the background as he stumbles and knocks some of the shit in his room over.]
Why can you trust me with your life but not with this? Which am I, Supergirl, the lost cause or the guy you've always seen some sort of potential in?
[Because, really, if even Casey has given up on him at this point - can't go back down that road, can't give a chance, can't even fathom....is there any between? Is there any reason to try because God knows she's the closest person, the biggest person he has that's dear to him in this place, and has been the only one for a while given the time away from home.]
[ She has to take pause and chew on her bottom lip. He's right, of course. He never actually led her on; never gave her the idea that he had any interest in her until basically now. As she considers, the crash in the background makes her flinch, her natural assumption that he's upset and taking it out on his things because they're there to take it out on. ]
I know. You're right, you haven't. I know that you never meant to hurt me, James.
[ There's another long pause. ]
But you did. I've never held it against you because I know you never intended to, but you did. There's this, like, voice in the back of my head asking me 'what if he changes his mind, does he go back to just pushing you away?' and I can't, like, ignore it, you know? I have to think.
And you're still the guy I've always seen potential in; that's not conditional on my feelings or the status of whatever our relationship is, James. I've always thought you have potential, even before I had feelings for you.
[ She heaves a succinct sigh. ]
You have really crappy timing, you know that? Like, really crappy timing. I finally convinced myself that I was happy with just being your friend and started to actually notice other people.
It sure sounds like you're holding it against me right now when it's literally the first reason you come up with that I can't be trusted with your heart. It sounds like that's the thing that matters the most, not the fact that I wasn't ready. Or that I've been through shit since then. Or that I might have grown or changed a little bit. Or anything.
[James rakes his hand through his hair, breathing.]
It just sounds like you don't see potential here. At all. Or you're too afraid of it. It kinda sounds like you're just waiting on the next time I'm going to hurt you. Like that's always your what if. Right?
[He almost feels used to people giving up on him, it's just taken Caasey so long and hemming and hawwing but there it is - that fear that she's going to do it too is right back in his face, very real.]
Tell me about it. Pretty sure that's always the case. Too little too late - takes me forever to work through shit, I mean jesus christ-
I'm scared, James, that's literally what I'm saying!
[ Her voice goes slightly higher in pitch with her words, she's so flustered. She takes a deep breath to center herself and wishes so much it hurts that Aunt Allana was here. ]
In my defense, James, you might have realized how you felt but this is still news to me and it's a lot to process. I just...need to process, can I just think? Do you get how overwhelming this all is for me? And, like, beyond that I finally let myself start moving on and accepting that we were just friends, do you have any idea how long that took me? It's not a flip-a-switch kind of process and it won't be a flip-a-switch to go back, it doesn't work that way, you know?
[ Casey runs her hands into her hair and closes her fists around big clumps, tugging slightly in frustration. ]
I love you James, but you are so frustrating right now. And you know what else? You said it on an anon post. Honestly, if you didn't get into that argument with the other anon, I never would've known it was you, so like what were you trying to accomplish? Were you just going to wait and wait and wait or...? Like, why am I the jerk because now I don't know how to feel about everything but it's not a point of discussion that if that second anon didn't jump in, this would still be a secret to me? How long were you going to wait? Were you ever going to say anything?
[James really doesn't know what to do hearing that pitch in Casey's voice. It's not in him, naturally, to jump to comfort in the ways that most people might - especially considering that's literally only been something he's gotten from Kasey, not his parents or others. He's used to a different way of dealing, or rather not dealing.
Hell, Tessa always made things worse.]
I'm not scary - not purposefully when it comes to you.
[He says, really at a loss for words.]
Process away, Supergirl.
[And he really wishes she didn't say those words - it's tempting to say them back, but the fact that he knows she doesn't mean them in the same way that he's headed toward, if not already there makes them painful.]
Frustrating is about par for the course with me isn't it? And for the record it wasn't a flip a switch process for me either. And I wasn't asking for anything right this second. There's a reason that I said anything anonymous. It was...tentative or whatever because I've never fucking said or admitted any of it. And I never said you were a jerk, Casey - you don't have a fucking mean or jerky bone in your damn body, but you're sending some mixed messages too. Am I good or am I scary - do I have potential or do I not... because you've always seen something in me but the fact that you sound so scared of what I might do and of me just...sucks.
And I don't know the answer to these questions, I didn't have a plan. I'd never said even some of the words so I said some of them.
[ Another sigh, this one more of a sound of internal frustration, like she knows what she wants to say and can't get the words out right for someone else to be on the same page. ]
I'm not scared of you. I've never been afraid of you, James, and I never will be. I just...
[ There's a long pause and another sigh, this time much softer, as she takes a moment to try to recollect herself and find the words. ]
I spent so many years trying to tell myself to get over you and just be your friend and I don't...know if the fact that now that I've finally managed to be happy with the relationship we have instead of wishing it was something different and you're finally starting to see things another way...is like a sign or something. If I didn't call you out and you didn't say anything and I didn't know it was you and I just kept on my current trajectory, I could've ended up with someone else before you ever got the chance to say and, I just wonder if...
[ She shrugs a little, frowning slightly to herself. ]
Maybe some part of you might've wanted it to happen that way. Like maybe you're just as scared as I am that we wouldn't work or that it would ruin the friendship we've spent our entire lives building? What if you didn't tell me because a part of you didn't ever want me to know? You know?
Then literally just afraid that I'm going to stomp all over your heart? I almot think I'd prefer you being afraid of me.
[He grouses, though he doesn't actually mean it; he'd never actually want Casey to be afraid of him, this entire conversation is taking it's toll, though. This isn't easy for him to have. And the fact that he's still talking and hasn't peaced out, just texted her a stupid gif, or any moronic variation beyond that is, basically new.]
I don't know if you remember, but my dad is half-angel and the big guy upstairs doesn't do signs like that, Casey.
[He probably shouldn't be so flippant, so dry with his comment, but this sign bullshit - like other people tell themselves - doesn't work for him. Then again James isn't normal people. He literally can will what he wants to happen in damn near all situations that he can use his abilities in.]
Then only thing I think it's a sign of is that it took me longe than you because I'm probably more fucked up than you, Casey. And I don't know how to do this real thing. You and I both know I play up being the big bad James and keep most people at a distance, it's hard for me to let someone in and you got in. You're still in even though saying all of this, talking this has me crawling out of my fucking skin because I don't do this. I don't talk like this and I am - for you. It'd be easier for me to say fuck it - hell - it'd be easier for me to literlaly try and scramble your brain to take the memory and the embarrassment away but I'm not.
I didn't know how to take the step, to say anything but here I am anyway. Anonymous and now. I took a babay step and got thrown in fullfuckingblown. I'm not scared, I just don't know how the fuck to do this with someone like you - you're not going to be impressed by the things that I'd normally do. And as fucked up as it is I'm not worried about shit getting ruined because I don't know anybody else in any universe that makes shit happen, that gets stubborn, and will shit to happen like you or me. You wanted in, you wormed your way into my fucking heart and I'm positive that unless one of us literally decides we're done and want to ruin it it won't happen. Besides, we've been tied together through all of this bullshit we've been through - if anything were a sign wouldn't you say that is an even bigger one, if you want to believe in that bullshit.
[The people that James holds near and dear are few and far between, but those that he does he doesn't let go of. Period.]
[ A big part of Casey just wants to ask if maybe the whole reason that he's suddenly catching feelings is because she's the only person he's ever let in and if he ever bothered letting anyone else in, maybe he'd feel for them just as much. Like maybe the only thing special about Casey is that she's been stubborn or stupid enough all these years to keep putting up with his passive abuse with the hopes of being seen and actually... Maybe neither of them actually feels the things they think they feel.
But she doesn't, because that's overanalytical and James won't get it. It's just liable to piss him off even more than she can hear that he's already starting to get.
His tirade goes long and she's quiet for all of it because it isn't like him to tlk this much, so she figures that means there's a lot of weight to what he's got to say. Boy is there. She's as drained as she thinks he almost definitely is by the time he finishes and she honestly...doesn't know what to say. He spent all that time pushing her away and now when it's her turn to keep some space between them, he's guilting her — intentionally or not — into second-guessing her decision; one she'd made just before he actually switched to voice. One that made so much sense in the moment and still does, in spite of the fact that to have to actually do it isn't ideal.
Flip a coin, Casey. You'll already know what you want it to land on. ]
I can't do this right now, James. I finally disentangled myself from everything I felt for so long and I need to just...be this Casey for a little while.
[ She doesn't say what she's thinking because it's mean to kick him when he's down, but a part of her wishes she did have a mean bone in her body because all she can think is "I deserve to see what it's like to be silly and date around a little to see what the world had to offer in the damn near decade I spent pining over someone who never saw me there until it was too late."
Instead, she takes a deep breath and swallows back the lump in her throat. When she speaks again, her voice is tight because she's trying not to cry. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-03-31 09:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-03-31 10:55 pm (UTC)Why don't I do a lot of things? I don't know, Casey. I know you've noticed I don't do the serious thing or the feelings well. Ever.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-31 11:15 pm (UTC)text->voice
Date: 2020-04-01 10:30 pm (UTC)I don't know. Me. I guess I changed but that sounds corny as hell. [He groans, but pushes through, not finding this easy.]
We both know I'm a fucking asshole, and back then I wasn't your speed, Casey. We both know I used to be way worse than I am now, and I had that stupid thing for weak girls who I could play the fantasy of protecting even though I'm less of a white night and more of a bastard. [His voice is harsh, especially hissing the word bastard because it's probably as close to the best word he can come up with for himself. This is probably the most real James has been about his behavior, about himself....in decades, probably.]
And all the better that they weren't usually interested in me. [Sadness creeps in, the realizationg having hit long before now that he's never really connected emotionally or romantically with anyone, and it wasn't because he was only into the chase. Maybe they just realized that it wasn't smart to go down that road, or saw him for what he was and knew better, either way...]
But chasing that shit, playing that game isn't fun. [He sounds tired.] You've always been here, and somehow no matter what I put people through, what I put you through you're still here for some reason. And you've seen the weakest shittiest parts of me and I can trust you with that and somewhere along the line of all these dumbass stops in the multi-verse I realized that's a whole hell of a lot more important and it means more than I've ever been willing to see. And not only that, but I like that I can trust you, that I can rely on you even if I know I can't anyone else. You're not afraid of me, even if you're always real and call me on my bullshit, but you also think I'm not a complete lost cause for some reason too even when most everyone else from home probably disagrees. You're literally the only one. I know I started feeling that way even before getting here, realizing it...whatever.
Guess that's why I haven't turned anybody but a shoplifter into a turtle lately. You wanted me to behave.[It's a throwaway, quiet comment before he stops recording his voice, not sure what else to say. And regretting it a little bit.]
voice;
Date: 2020-04-01 10:57 pm (UTC)When she finally does speak, her voice is tight because she's still not completely together again but making him wait too long is bound to create anxiety on his end. Just because he's hurt her in the past doesn't mean she wants to hurt him in the present. ]
People back home thought you were a lost cause because that's what you wanted them to think back then, James. Not because you actually are one.
[ She sighs. What the hell is she supposed to say? ]
Please do not take this the wrong way, but just because I want you to behave doesn't mean I want you to not be you, you know. Just...like dial it down. And... [ Another sigh and a rustling sound as she runs her hand through her hair. ] I could trust you with my life, James. I know that I could. After everything, though, and all this time, I just...I don't know if I can trust you with my heart.
voice;
Date: 2020-04-02 12:17 pm (UTC)[There's a harsh edge to his voice witht hat statement; he's always given people the roll they've expected from his father's son, even if he's always made himself more than crystal clear that he's not exactly like deal 'ol shitty dad.
Still, he lets it drop rather than continuing on, even though he could. That's not what this conversation it actually about, after all.
And the answer he gets hurts - permission to be himself aside, the fact that Casey doesn't innately know better. Know different.]
Why? And I'm seirous - I never led you on when I wasn't ready for anything between us, I couldn't see it, and maybe I handled it too James-y for you because I wasn't nice, but I've never been just nice. I pushed that back, but I never led you on, you're literally the only person that will get this level of honesty with me other than my mom. I've never led anyone on when it comes to my feelings when I care about someone. Think about it - how many relationships have you seen me in, Casey - have I ever broken anybody's heart? None and no. Pushed you away for what seemed like the better, because I wasn't ready and couldn't see it - yeah.
[The open feelings don't come naturally to him and he's struggling there's a bit of a crash in the background as he stumbles and knocks some of the shit in his room over.]
Why can you trust me with your life but not with this? Which am I, Supergirl, the lost cause or the guy you've always seen some sort of potential in?
[Because, really, if even Casey has given up on him at this point - can't go back down that road, can't give a chance, can't even fathom....is there any between? Is there any reason to try because God knows she's the closest person, the biggest person he has that's dear to him in this place, and has been the only one for a while given the time away from home.]
voice;
Date: 2020-04-02 01:39 pm (UTC)[ She has to take pause and chew on her bottom lip. He's right, of course. He never actually led her on; never gave her the idea that he had any interest in her until basically now. As she considers, the crash in the background makes her flinch, her natural assumption that he's upset and taking it out on his things because they're there to take it out on. ]
I know. You're right, you haven't. I know that you never meant to hurt me, James.
[ There's another long pause. ]
But you did. I've never held it against you because I know you never intended to, but you did. There's this, like, voice in the back of my head asking me 'what if he changes his mind, does he go back to just pushing you away?' and I can't, like, ignore it, you know? I have to think.
And you're still the guy I've always seen potential in; that's not conditional on my feelings or the status of whatever our relationship is, James. I've always thought you have potential, even before I had feelings for you.
[ She heaves a succinct sigh. ]
You have really crappy timing, you know that? Like, really crappy timing. I finally convinced myself that I was happy with just being your friend and started to actually notice other people.
voice;
Date: 2020-04-02 07:04 pm (UTC)[James rakes his hand through his hair, breathing.]
It just sounds like you don't see potential here. At all. Or you're too afraid of it. It kinda sounds like you're just waiting on the next time I'm going to hurt you. Like that's always your what if. Right?
[He almost feels used to people giving up on him, it's just taken Caasey so long and hemming and hawwing but there it is - that fear that she's going to do it too is right back in his face, very real.]
Tell me about it. Pretty sure that's always the case. Too little too late - takes me forever to work through shit, I mean jesus christ-
[He cuts himself off, audio post and all.]
no subject
Date: 2020-04-02 07:45 pm (UTC)[ Her voice goes slightly higher in pitch with her words, she's so flustered. She takes a deep breath to center herself and wishes so much it hurts that Aunt Allana was here. ]
In my defense, James, you might have realized how you felt but this is still news to me and it's a lot to process. I just...need to process, can I just think? Do you get how overwhelming this all is for me? And, like, beyond that I finally let myself start moving on and accepting that we were just friends, do you have any idea how long that took me? It's not a flip-a-switch kind of process and it won't be a flip-a-switch to go back, it doesn't work that way, you know?
[ Casey runs her hands into her hair and closes her fists around big clumps, tugging slightly in frustration. ]
I love you James, but you are so frustrating right now. And you know what else? You said it on an anon post. Honestly, if you didn't get into that argument with the other anon, I never would've known it was you, so like what were you trying to accomplish? Were you just going to wait and wait and wait or...? Like, why am I the jerk because now I don't know how to feel about everything but it's not a point of discussion that if that second anon didn't jump in, this would still be a secret to me? How long were you going to wait? Were you ever going to say anything?
no subject
Date: 2020-04-02 08:44 pm (UTC)Hell, Tessa always made things worse.]
I'm not scary - not purposefully when it comes to you.
[He says, really at a loss for words.]
Process away, Supergirl.
[And he really wishes she didn't say those words - it's tempting to say them back, but the fact that he knows she doesn't mean them in the same way that he's headed toward, if not already there makes them painful.]
Frustrating is about par for the course with me isn't it? And for the record it wasn't a flip a switch process for me either. And I wasn't asking for anything right this second. There's a reason that I said anything anonymous. It was...tentative or whatever because I've never fucking said or admitted any of it. And I never said you were a jerk, Casey - you don't have a fucking mean or jerky bone in your damn body, but you're sending some mixed messages too. Am I good or am I scary - do I have potential or do I not... because you've always seen something in me but the fact that you sound so scared of what I might do and of me just...sucks.
And I don't know the answer to these questions, I didn't have a plan. I'd never said even some of the words so I said some of them.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-02 08:58 pm (UTC)[ Another sigh, this one more of a sound of internal frustration, like she knows what she wants to say and can't get the words out right for someone else to be on the same page. ]
I'm not scared of you. I've never been afraid of you, James, and I never will be. I just...
[ There's a long pause and another sigh, this time much softer, as she takes a moment to try to recollect herself and find the words. ]
I spent so many years trying to tell myself to get over you and just be your friend and I don't...know if the fact that now that I've finally managed to be happy with the relationship we have instead of wishing it was something different and you're finally starting to see things another way...is like a sign or something. If I didn't call you out and you didn't say anything and I didn't know it was you and I just kept on my current trajectory, I could've ended up with someone else before you ever got the chance to say and, I just wonder if...
[ She shrugs a little, frowning slightly to herself. ]
Maybe some part of you might've wanted it to happen that way. Like maybe you're just as scared as I am that we wouldn't work or that it would ruin the friendship we've spent our entire lives building? What if you didn't tell me because a part of you didn't ever want me to know? You know?
no subject
Date: 2020-04-03 10:02 am (UTC)[He grouses, though he doesn't actually mean it; he'd never actually want Casey to be afraid of him, this entire conversation is taking it's toll, though. This isn't easy for him to have. And the fact that he's still talking and hasn't peaced out, just texted her a stupid gif, or any moronic variation beyond that is, basically new.]
I don't know if you remember, but my dad is half-angel and the big guy upstairs doesn't do signs like that, Casey.
[He probably shouldn't be so flippant, so dry with his comment, but this sign bullshit - like other people tell themselves - doesn't work for him. Then again James isn't normal people. He literally can will what he wants to happen in damn near all situations that he can use his abilities in.]
Then only thing I think it's a sign of is that it took me longe than you because I'm probably more fucked up than you, Casey. And I don't know how to do this real thing. You and I both know I play up being the big bad James and keep most people at a distance, it's hard for me to let someone in and you got in. You're still in even though saying all of this, talking this has me crawling out of my fucking skin because I don't do this. I don't talk like this and I am - for you. It'd be easier for me to say fuck it - hell - it'd be easier for me to literlaly try and scramble your brain to take the memory and the embarrassment away but I'm not.
I didn't know how to take the step, to say anything but here I am anyway. Anonymous and now. I took a babay step and got thrown in fullfuckingblown. I'm not scared, I just don't know how the fuck to do this with someone like you - you're not going to be impressed by the things that I'd normally do. And as fucked up as it is I'm not worried about shit getting ruined because I don't know anybody else in any universe that makes shit happen, that gets stubborn, and will shit to happen like you or me. You wanted in, you wormed your way into my fucking heart and I'm positive that unless one of us literally decides we're done and want to ruin it it won't happen. Besides, we've been tied together through all of this bullshit we've been through - if anything were a sign wouldn't you say that is an even bigger one, if you want to believe in that bullshit.
[The people that James holds near and dear are few and far between, but those that he does he doesn't let go of. Period.]
no subject
Date: 2020-04-03 11:03 pm (UTC)But she doesn't, because that's overanalytical and James won't get it. It's just liable to piss him off even more than she can hear that he's already starting to get.
His tirade goes long and she's quiet for all of it because it isn't like him to tlk this much, so she figures that means there's a lot of weight to what he's got to say. Boy is there. She's as drained as she thinks he almost definitely is by the time he finishes and she honestly...doesn't know what to say. He spent all that time pushing her away and now when it's her turn to keep some space between them, he's guilting her — intentionally or not — into second-guessing her decision; one she'd made just before he actually switched to voice. One that made so much sense in the moment and still does, in spite of the fact that to have to actually do it isn't ideal.
Flip a coin, Casey. You'll already know what you want it to land on. ]
I can't do this right now, James. I finally disentangled myself from everything I felt for so long and I need to just...be this Casey for a little while.
[ She doesn't say what she's thinking because it's mean to kick him when he's down, but a part of her wishes she did have a mean bone in her body because all she can think is "I deserve to see what it's like to be silly and date around a little to see what the world had to offer in the damn near decade I spent pining over someone who never saw me there until it was too late."
Instead, she takes a deep breath and swallows back the lump in her throat. When she speaks again, her voice is tight because she's trying not to cry. ]
I'm sorry. We have to talk later. I gotta go.